With the surgery date set, the surreal quality of this experience is beginning to wear off considerably. After the surgeon's office called with the surgery date, I hung up the phone and sat at the desk in silence for quite awhile just sort of letting it sink in.
I see this surreal quality, or some would say a measure of denial, as a gift of God to deal with the shock of unexpected news. It keeps the full emotional impact at bay allowing the reality of it to sink in slowly on both a conscious and emotional level. Of course, problems develop when and if we get stuck in the denial mode, but it is a blessing that gives the mind some time to adjust.
Walking in faith adds another level to this process. While on one hand I need to deal with the very real possibility that I have a double mastectomy and chemotherapy ahead of me while at the same time holding ever present the even greater reality of the possibility that God will intervene with miraculous healing. I have seen Him heal so frequently and so dramatically that I have no doubt of God's ability to heal this cancer in a moment.
I guess it comes down to the idea of being in this world but not of this world. I am in this world and have been diagnosed with cancer, which requires many medical tests, doctor appointments, surgery, chemo, etc. but I am also not of this world because my heart, my hope and my true home are with Jesus in heaven. I continue to pray for the inbreaking of the Kingdom, that heaven will invade earth and I will be healed, specifically before surgery!, and I am ever walking in that hope. Using Paul's vocabulary, I am walking in the hope of the inbreaking of the age to come while living in this present evil age, looking to the cross where Jesus bore my sin AND where by His stripes I am healed.
These past two weeks, I have thought often of and have been encouraged by the story of the three young men who were thrown into the fiery furnace. Their words have been my heart too, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up" Dan 3:17, 18. In my case, I know that the God I serve is more than able (the Hebrew sense of that phrase) to save me and heal me from this cancer before surgery, but even if he does not, I will continue to love Him, to trust Him, to follow Him and I know without any shadow of a doubt that He will walk every moment with me through this valley to the other side fully surrounded in His grace.
Thanks for listening. I'd better sign off, I need to leave for the echocardiogram in 20 minutes and I am still in my PJs!
7 comments:
Dear Friend, He is Able, He is willing, and His stripes perfectly fit your need for the eradication of cancer from your body.......that it might be said of you, "He Himself took our infirmities and He bore our sicknesses." Matthew 8:17
God has fulfilled this word in your life many times.........and we look to Him to do that again! amen. Terry
I love it when you ponder and i get to read it :)
I thought it was interesting what you said about the surreal denial being a gift from God. So drilled into our heads is the need to live in reality, but perhaps living in the surreal for a time better helps us live in reality? I think that is what you are saying, and honestly, that makes me feel so much more freedom in dealing with this.
Love you!
Yes, my friend, He IS able to do IMMEASURABLY more than all we ask or even imagine, according to His power that IS at work within us! Lord, you have healed our friend before -- do it again!
KG
A mentor and friend told me about living the "both/and" of living in what God has done and can do, while living in the natural circumstances of our current situation. I do not believe faith is diminished by walking a both/and walk, rather it gains another dimension: both to rely fully upon the truth that God's best plan is the cross of Christ that heals all our diseases and to know that the God of the universe holds us and guards us in every circumstance. It takes great tenacity not to give in completely to either side until one is removed. May you increase in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man. (Luke 2:52)
Leslyn, I so understand the surreal-ness you speak of. I didn't think of it as denial, I thought of it as indifference and started repenting for it. God showed me it was his way of protecting me so the reality of my situation could be processed correctly and my emotions could be kept at bay. It was like I knew what was going on but yet it was as if it really wasn't me gong through it. It was like an out of body experience(a Godly one). I pray the Lord continues to bring this surreal-ness to you when necessary and know that I too am believing for the greater reality that God will intervene with miraclous healing. Love you my friend, Prudy
My dear friend,
I had an interesting experience this morning...I couldn't get out of bed for quite some time, but rather had to lay there and worship and intercede...mostly for you :).(mind you, that was several hours ago, and I had not yet read this) It's interesting, as I prayed, I had a profound sense of you being in two places at the same time, both in heaevn and on earth. During this experience, I had a profound sense of the peace of the Lord. It was quite supernatural, and defied any human logic or reasoning, it just was, and it was Him, His person. It not just was about you and around you, but it was in you, it was you. The Scripture that comes to mind is Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." I believe that surreal feeling may be, in part, Jesus. In my prayer time, your supernatural existence, living in Jesus, was so clear. So...I'm praying that the reality of what really is, as defined by Jesus, totally invades your present day earthly existence. Love you TONS! Christina
Dearest Letlino,
I was sitting here reading your blog and my tiny lovebug came out after waking up. I was holding her on my lap and rocking her and she was making her little purring sounds... you have to love moments like that. Michael came out and saw us and started laughing and said, "Isn't she getting a little big for this??" !!! NO! It made me think of that book, "I'll love you forever."
I knew you'd appreciate a moment like that. :) I sang you a song yesterday, actually a few songs. I was thinking about you and praying for you and so I started singing for you. :) My friend.
I will have to call you and tell you a story about my Letlyn moment about 10 days ago. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could be with you and pat you-- we laugh way too much though... I better not come around right after surgery! :)
God brought us together for a reason... I always remember that.
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