I rarely feel fear, I often joke that I wasn't born with a fear chip. Apparently, I have one. I was very resolute when it came to my double mastectomy surgery. I was very at peace and knew that I was making the right decision. As I look back from this vantage point, I think most of that was of course the Lord's grace and part of it was that I knew I had to do it to save my life.
This surgery is a whole different kettle of fish. Part of the decision to have the surgery is cosmetic and part of the decision is to alleviate the pain that the radiation damage is causing. It is elective not life saving. Somehow, for me emotionally, I am having a harder time preparing for this surgery. For the past couple of days I have been fighting fear and very consciously having to keep my thoughts on a very short leash so that I don't start thinking about the "What-ifs" that are so unhelpful to staying in a place of peace.
I have my pre-op appointment tomorrow. I will ask the doctor one more time if he thinks this extensive repair and rebuilding is really necessary. I need to hear it for my own peace of mind. The pain from the radiation damage has increased over the past couple of weeks, so I do know that I have to do something. In some ways, the pain is helping me to make the decision to move forward. For me it is very much about moving forward. Sometimes that is all we can do. Just keep going.
I believe that I am entering a season of rebuilding, in this case a very thorough rebuilding. Rather than look at my time of recovery as being isolated, thanks to Linda and Prudy, I am looking at it as a time of being set apart to the Lord. I believe He has some things to speak to me and show me. That part I am actually looking forward to now.
Would you please be praying for me as I process through preparing for this upcoming surgery. Would you also please join me in standing against a spirit of fear? I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, of love and of a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7). I am a "pre-processor", I process things before they happen and then by the time I get to the event, I am good to go. This is my time to process all of the things that I am feeling and to pray through to a place of peace. Thank you for joining me in prayer, I appreciate it and need your prayers.
1 comment:
Dear Leslyn, I am praying against a spirit of fear in you!! May there be a full transfer of your heart concerns to the hands of the Lord. I am also praying for the Peace of God to guard you heart and mind in Jesus. The peace that doesn't make sense in this situation in our minds but the kind that takes over you whole being, mind and emotions and fills your spirit to overflowing!! You my friend have prayed this for me before and the peace was amazing. I am now praying this for you!! I love you so much and know the Lord's peace is available for you in abundant measure right now!!! Lots of Love, Carrie G.
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